All right, so I'm a 15-year-old queer virgin and Sugar's a selfish, using bitch.
But there's nothing like a good girlie chat with your mum to solve an emotional crisis.
He was only good for fucking. Yeah, I got bored. I actually got bored.
Not to mention sore.
And as Stella fell back into the loving arms of her husband,
I tried to nurse my broken heart.
Ok, so the stupid Malory Towers gay crush thing had to end.
Sugar was a bitch.
Although kissing her was...
Enough was enough.
Welcome home.
I needed some serious straight-talkers.
Welcome home to the heterosexual life that God intended for you.
Hi. I'm Belinda.
I overcame lesbianism in 1999 and now I date men.
Well, one man. Once.
Hi. I'm Gary.
I um... I left homosexuality two years ago
and have been happily married for six months, to a woman,
hoping to begin conjugal relations any day now.
And you too can be like Belinda and Gary,
safe at home with God,
by following our six simple steps along the straight path.
Step one: Use a mantra to focus your mind.
Something that trips off the tongue. "Homos go to hell."
"Gay girls burn."
Or whatever works for you.
Ok, it was extreme.
But so was my Sugar addiction.
Sugar is bad for me. Sugar is bad for me.
You only find out what you're really made of when put to the test.
Hey, Kiz. Come down off that E yet? Fucking great night.
Sugar is bad for me. Sugar is...
Oh, God. Crowd out bra.
You're not mad at me, are you?
Stop perving. Stop perving.
What have you taken?
Bad for me. Bad for me. Bad for me.
Give me one.
Sugar is bad for me, Sugar is...
Ok, then. See you later.
Go and see a doctor.
Success! I passed the test. Beat my demons.
If only I hadn't looked back.
But what do you expect? I was from a family of delusional saddos.
This is nice, isn't it?
You know, all of us together, a family again.
How's school, Kim?
And Sugar? How's she?
Sugar is bad for me. Sugar is bad for me. Sugar is bad for me.
Crowd out sexual thoughts with pleasant images of nature.
Step three.
Maintain a chaste lifestyle.
Step four.
As homosexuality is invariably caused by rejection
by a same-sex parent,
we have to try and heal rifts.
I might have known the prodigal mother was the root of my evils.
Still, steps were steps.
Here. Let me.
Oh, Kim, you darling.
Step five: Hang out with like-minded people.
Yeah?
I go to the cinema a lot. Yeah?
What kind of stuff do you like?
Dunno... um...
comedies. Or anything with Jodie Foster in.
Me too. I love her.
And step six: Read the Bible.
And be sure to pray.
Dear God, please stop me perving over Sugar
and help me find a fit guy to perv over instead.
Or if it turns out you're ok with the whole same-sex thing,
then stop Sugar messing me about and help her find her way into my bed.
That was the thing with God. Who really knew?
Best to keep all bases covered.
Why did you come back?
Why?
For me?
For the kids?
Stella?
The wrath of God is revealed from heaven
against all ungodliness and unrighteousness.
It said a lot about my family life that I preferred this.
So there it is, guys.
If you give in to vile affections,
if, women, you change the natural use into that which is against nature,
and, men, leave the natural use of women to burn in lust for one another...
well, then.
Whoa. I had a Sugar thing, not a girl thing.
Time to resort to a few steps of my own.
Like drown suspicions of gaydom in vat of alcohol.
Or hang out with a bunch of Neanderthals.
Can I have a vodka? No, sorry.
Just give me a drink. You're underage.
I'll get it. She's with me.
Here you are. Whatever she wants.
Thanks. That's all right.
I forgive you.
I said... I heard.
Please stop being so nice to me.
Come on. Oh, come on.
Fuck! I'm trying.
Hang on. Hang on.
I'm getting there.
Sorry about this.
Hey. What's wrong?
It's not your fault.
Are you a virgin?
For fuck's sake.
Look, I didn't do anything, all right?
I didn't do anything.
Was God having a laugh or what?
I was a hermetically sealed medical freak,
undoubted lesbian, proficient at pool,
but worse, much worse,
completely unable to stop thinking about Sugar.
Let's face it, Nathan, it is partly your fault I had an affair.
Look at me.
I'm a red-blooded woman in her prime
and you've turned into some uptight pinny-wearing house husband.
Yeah, you're right. I'll change.
No, don't change, just chill out.
Look.
Unpacking done.
Just try and relax a bit. Be a bit more spontaneous.
Spontaneous? Yeah. Spontaneous.
Or you'll tidy yourself out of a marriage.
Hey. Hiya.
Ok, so sometimes when you're a tortured misfit freak,
a stalker can be quite good company.
Sometimes I wanna just leave and never go back.
Nathan's gone into happy-family overdrive, acting like nothing's ever happened,
and Stella, she's being quiet and nice,
like asking me how school is and stuff like that.
Isn't that what mums are supposed to do?
No. I just wish she'd lay off.
Oh.
I'll see you, then.
Unless...
Hey.
Right, here we are.
Ok.
So we've got a Cosmopolitan or a Martini or a Filthy Queer.
It's just one of my own inventions.
It's basically all the spirits we can find with a little bit of Coke
to mess it up a little bit.
Oh. Ooh.
Spontaneous.
Spontaneous?
Yeah. Spontaneous.
Spon-tan-e-ou-ou-ous
You know, as the saying goes, it's good to talk,
however economical you are with the truth.
He couldn't get it up. He got me there under false pretences.
He was... what's the male version of a prick tease?
A twat tease.
Yeah, he was that.
I didn't even fancy him. Well, you wouldn't, would you?
For fuck's sake, how many times do I have to tell you?
Sorry. Anyway, it was just a Sugar thing.
I told you I loved her as a joke. It was a wind-up.
Mm. Mm.
Anyway, you love Sugar more than me.
Well... well, as we're talking sexual disasters.
She did tell me.
Yeah.
I'm gonna be a virgin for ever.
Steady. Steady. Nathan.
All right, just sit in the chair. No, keep going forwards.
Keep going. Whoa.
Please, I... Sit down now.
Are you ready? Mm-hm.
And... da-da!
Oh.
Nathan, I really appreciate all your efforts...
No, I thought we'd skip dinner and just go straight for the fun part.
When do I ever eat puddings?
You always used to. It used to be your favourite part of the meal.
Mm.
Uh- uh.
Mm. Mm.
Mm. What? Nothing.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you didn't want any.
Here.
Mmm!
Mmm! Mmm! Good.
Are you sure? Tom, I wanna have sex. We're good to go.
It's got to be better to lose your virginity to the boy next door in a bedroom
than to an ape in a pool hall toilet.
It was nice. Tom was nice.
Of course, it was a whole lot nicer when I...
Although fantasising during my first time...
I'm sure they don't tell you to do that in Cosmo Girl.
Come on. Whoa!
Whoa! Come on!
What... you're choking.
All right. Hang on. Come on. Turn round.
Has it gone? Oh, my God.
Agh! Oh, my God. Something cracked.
Oh, my God. Don't die.
Please don't die on me, Stella. I love you.
I love you so much. Don't die.
What do you... A drink?
The phone. The phone. Oh, my God.
So, that was sex.
Ambulance, please.
There were lots of positives. I wasn't a virgin anymore.
I wasn't a sealed-up medical freak.
I guess you're not gay afterall.
Shame he had to ruin the moment.
Tom, I've gotta go.
Go? Now?
Homework.
Oh.
Hey.
Thank you.
Bye.
No shooting stars, no comets,
no veil falling to reveal all the secrets of the adult world.
No different.
Just the flashing lights, though.
What the hell happened? I took her breath away.
Literally... just literally. What?
She's all right, Kim. It's just a little food mishap.
Are you all right with Matt? Yeah. Sure.
Do you want me to come with you? No, thanks. I'm ok.
Oh, Jesus, Kiz.
What are you doing here? Matt let me in.
And why are you here?
I nicked a bottle of whisky from Mum's secret stash. Thought I'd cheer you up.
Moody cow.
Only... you weren't here when I got here, and so...
Right, so you can go, then.
Why are you acting so weird?
Not cos of that snog, is it?
We were on E. It's no big deal.
Come on, Kiz.
Oh, Kizzy. It was a big deal to me.
You know how I feel about you. And all you do is fuck me around.
What do you want me to do? Ask you out?
Hold your hand in the playground?
Just go. Why?
Isn't this where you want me?
Do you get sadistic pleasure out of taunting me?
Or are you just too thick to realise you're doing it?
Bye, then.
Bitch. Always had to have the last word.
Stand and hold hands for the Lord's Prayer.
Powerful thing, self- belief.
A sudden surge is transforming.
The possession of it, or impression of it,
has a hold over others.
But when it goes, what's left?
Our Father, who art in heaven...
And just a little can make you take a chance.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil.
The Lord does move in mysterious ways.
Amen.
Corrections Chamallow35